| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|07:36 pm] |
She wrapped her arms around herself as she leaned against her headboard, covered in blankets she still couldn’t seem to get warm. Shivering, she didn’t even bother to try wiping the tears from her face, the blanket covering her was almost soaked.
Her cell phone lay next to her, the bearer of good and bad news. She needed to talk to him, but she knew he was busy. She loved him so much, and she trusted him… He wouldn’t think that. He wouldn’t think that after she had browsed through people’s things… He would think that she didn’t trust him. But she did. Oh, how she did.
A spasm of coughs flooded through her and she suddenly was sobbing again.
“It isn’t true… It messed up… It’s wrong… He loves me… He wouldn’t do that to me…”
The light in her room was dimmed, it didn’t seem right that brightness should be allowed to damper her dark mood. Again, she shivered. It was so cold… She couldn’t get warm… What was wrong with her?
She looked into the mirror opposite her, and suddenly… She began to cry again. Tears flooded down her cheeks, she couldn’t stop them. Why should she even ask herself that question? Her voice broke the silence of the room… Hoarse, shaking…. Terrified.
“It’s because I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not smart enough…. I’m not the best.”
The last word came out with a cry. She buried her face in her hands, trying to stop the tears that she thought she had already cried out. She had to make herself better…. Her nails began to dig into her skin… She had to make herself the best for him.
Taking in one slow, shaking breath… she finally calmed down. Lifting her face from her hands she stared into the mirror, nail marks on her cheeks marring her features. And again, that rage with herself stole into her.
She took a pillow and threw it at her own reflection and began to yell at the mirror.
“Why can’t you be prettier?! Why can’t you be good enough?! Why do you have to love so much? Why do you have to be such a failure?!”
Before she realized it, she was on her knees, her fists clenched. She collapsed back down onto the bed. Her voice came out in a whisper…
“Why do you have to be… me?”
Curling into a ball she continued to try to keep the chill away, but she knew it would stay. She knew that she would be cold till she found out everything… So many questions of why… She closed her eyes and tried to keep the tears from starting again, to no avail.
Reaching over, her hands touched the phone. She shook and shuddered and brought it close to her. Opening it up she began to dial his familiar number… But she never called. Instead, she just whispered into it… Hoping he would feel her words… Hoping he would just know… but she knew he wouldn’t.
“I love you… I love you so much… I wish I was good enough for you… I wish…. I wish that you knew… But you don’t… You don’t….”
Keeping her eyes shut tightly she felt that sudden wave of emptiness overcome her… Pressing her lips to his picture she whispered again…
“Goodbye… goodbye… I hoped you would understand… I wished I was good enough for you… But I’m not… I don’t question why I love you… I know… But… Why… why do I have to…”
One last breath….
“Be….” |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
Ahahaha, oh yeah. I have to do this thing for my English class where I keep a blog so if anyone wants to bother reading that dribble? It'll be updated more than this because it's a mandatory three times a week updating thing... Blah
LJ NAME FOR ENGLISH! : Mature_Content
( “Ahahahaha, ) |
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| Bleh... |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|06:47 pm] |
You know it's bad if you're drunk and then you don't want to be drunk anymore.
Not shitfaced.
No hangover.
But throwing up once or twice.
And then fucking soidhoashdoiehohrohasoidhoa....
...God, I hate him. |
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| ... |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|04:57 pm] |
| [ | Feelings to which I must succumb |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Sound that invades my mind |
| | Whiskey Lullaby | ] |
Music Video Codes By VideoCodeZone |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|04:03 am] |
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What is it when the person who you think is just using you suddenly just seems to want to spend time with you? ...Grawr, men are so goddamn confusing. I just thought I'd let you guys know that. |
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| This is the real shit. :-D |
[Jun. 25th, 2005|05:02 pm] |
Part Expert Kisser |
You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable | Part Freaky Kisser |
When you kiss, you want to experience something new
A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing...
And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable
There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go |
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| That new sex smell |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|05:49 pm] |
...
I really couldn't explain this one to you. xD
Okay update on things that have happened since I have gotten back from the Philippines:
1. Brian's not as much of a dickhead as I thought he was, which is odd but comforting in some way.
2. Vanessa is confused about a certain someone but she's going to be gone for the next two weeks and will hopefully be able to forget about him by then. :P "Out of sight, out of mind."
3. Vladas left for Lithuania and will be gone for six weeks. This makes me very sad.
4. I met a stripper, she's really nice. Despite the fact that she told me she thought I could do very well and she'd get me a job if I wanted it.
5. I'm finding that things around here are slow and uneventful, though the weather is nice.
6. Plans have sprung up to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at IMAX or something, all who wish to join are welcome.
7. There is pasalubong for many people from the Philippines, but it's just like keychains and stuff so that can wait.
8. My closet's inventory is 50 + articles of clothing.
9. My mom bought me this thing in the Philippines, a vitamin, to make me grow taller. Yeah, like that'll work.
10. I have yet to e-mail people in the Philippines with heartfelt words.
11. The transition between referring to the "states" to the "philippines" is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
12. I am now sprinkling my speech with Filipino terms unknowingly. Such as kikay, mayabang, sungit, jologs, maganda, pangit... And am referring to things that are broken or clothes that are torn as "injured". and have just barely refrained myself from saying to "open" and "close" the lights.
13. Also, apparently, I talk with a slight accent now.
14. I have a videoke machine which I have been using.
15. I am now going to finish organizing my room because of all the crap that I can't even lay on the bed. Ciao! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|04:59 am] |
Throes of passion filled the room, the windows steamed with heat
Two figures writhed in the bed, bodies tangled in sweat so sweet
The night still held the sky, morning was long to come
As he finished then slid out of bed, stepping from the fun.
Staring at his reflection in the mirror, even with moonlight so dim
He could see her smiling at the mirror, her smile only for him
He licked his lips for a moment, then asked the burning question
"Who are you?" He knew her name, but she knew what he meant to mention
"Well, who do you think I am?" She replied without a wasted breath.
"I think you're my savior and my punishment before death."
She sat there and still smiled as he continued with his speech
"You're a genius, you're insane... You're a butterfly, you're a leech."
Again she never let her eyes leave his through their mirror proxy
Before she tilted her head and gave him the following soliloquy
"So to you I'm walking confusion, you don't know who I am...
You call me bitch, you call me angel, you fight yet hold my hand.
Who am I in the world? Who am I to you?
I'm a liar, I am justice, I'm a genius... I'm the fool.
I'm the one who breaks the patterns, whose thoughts have no form.
I'm the one who makes you writhe in bed, laughing as you squirm.
I make you feel like you're in a dream, you're escape from reality.
I'm the death that ends those dreams, jolting you awake and sweaty.
I'm the one you need, to breathe in like sweet clean air.
I'm the one who will choke you, and make you believe it's fair.
I bring you to the edge, but then keep you from falling
I'll kiss and tell you I love you, even when others are there calling.
I blur the line, till you can't tell the difference between the pleasure and your pain
I'm the one who you've pinned down, until you've screamed my name.
I'm the one who makes you forget, what it's like to be hated
I'm the one who comforts you, yet leaves when you are sated.
I'm the girl that would kill you, and you'd agree that it's the way
I'm the one that would take the bullet for you, and make you not want to stay.
Who am I? You ask. Am I sent from hell or from above?
Just kiss me and come back to bed, I'm the one you love. " |
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| You know that thing about going off on a tangent? o.o |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|04:06 am] |
If only I could tell you... how much you meant to me
Aside from making this attempt.. at poetic symmetry
Make no mistake, in this rhyme, the reason you would find
A reason that explains this, in words so well defined
For with you I never know what to speak, never knew what to say
Remembering only to smile, when you would look my way
A smile that I hoped had reached my eyes, that reached so eagerly for yours
If only I could believe that saying... actions speak louder than words.
Don't think that just because I laughed, because I smiled at the passerby
Or seemed to have a teasing air and even a wandering eye
For even those very actions, which had become indicative of me
Believe they only existed, because I didn't want you to see
Even when I wished and hoped, but knew it'd never be true
It all comes to reasons poignant even if they are but few
Nothing ever lasts forever, despite what we are told.
Greatness is a fallacy, it disappears as we grow old.
A true love can't be found, without being broken down at first.
Love may make you happy, but you will always end up hurt.
Over the rainbow doesn't mean that things still aren't black and white.
Not being what they want you to be, doesn't mean you aren't right.
Even through these words and twists and riddles that I gave...
----I realize now that it's not about you... but it's me I want to save. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2005|02:28 am] |
Well, I'm back.
Vladas is gone. ;-;
Someone else is still here though. xD
It was fun, but I'm home now!
We should hang out some time. |
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| Aaron I want your sex. |
[Jun. 2nd, 2005|04:56 pm] |
| [ | Feelings to which I must succumb |
| |  amused | ] |
:-D
The first comment on my last post really mad me smile so I deided to tribute that to Aaron. Anywhoooo, not much has really happened lately.
I toured UST.
Went to some parks.
Got some fantastic video of the mountains (where I'm at right now)
Oh yeah, that reminds me.
As soon as I'm back I'm going to have a movie trip get together at my house and show you all pictures, give you guys stuff.. Yeah. Anyway...
OH! Well, when I was touring UST with my priest uncle we went to meet the secretary general who was another priest, right? Then the secretary general talked about how he has a nephew and then my uncle and him just made a date right infront of me without asking me. Eh, it's okay. He goes to the second top school in the country, is apparently a good kid, rich, and is into some sports so... meh... Date tomorrow.
This only enforces the belief that I have that my relatives are trying to marry me off.
Anyway, tomorrow I look forward to a six hour drive down from the mountains. It really is very nice here though. Aside from...
FRIGGIN EY! I've been to church literally 4 times in the past week. UGH!
Anyway, yeah. So... tomorrow we'll probably go to eastwood with my date and hang out at the arcade if nto go clubbing at the basement again. We'll probably hit the clubs again saturday night and then Sunday we're going to their sports club.So we can bowl, play pool, work out, go rock climbing, tennis, golfing, horseback riding, and nightswimming.
So yeah, after I post this and my hour runs down I'm probably going to go to the arcade next door.
DDR is apparently obsolete here now. :-p
I'm looking around... and there are lots of kids playing WoW and StarCraft here...
What else has happened? Well... nothing really. It's really just a lot of sight seeing and shopping and stuff like that. Wonderful views though. The clouds were kissing the mountains when I went to the country club for breakfast this morning.. It was nice.
Oh! I had a family portrait done with my parents compliments of my uncle, they did me up all Pinay style, soooo it's cool.
Anywho, that's all really. Sanrio store after the arcade! I'm going to get the penguin one whoooo! Anyone else want anything i particular tell me! I'm coming back with a shitload of anime too.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
CHOBITS!
/end |
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| Wow... the Philippines |
[May. 24th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
| [ | Feelings to which I must succumb |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Excuse the typos but the key board at the net cafe kinda sucks to the umpteenth degree. Anyway, hello to you all over in the states, with your air conditioning in every room and your weather that is incredibly nice, and your ability to walk around without worrying that people will be trying to snatch your purse at every turn! Well, after 30 straight hours of traveling, using stop overs and other such stuff, I finally arrived at the Philippines. Whoooo. Jet lag. Here, I'll start this for you.
I arrived at 11:00 p.m. (over here in the Philippines). It was technically 11:00 a.m. over there. After a sixteen hour international flight, then a stop over at Hong Kong, then an other hour or so trip over to the Philippines. It was then, that suddenly... While walking in the air port... I realized... There was no air conditioning. It was 90 degrees (our delusional version of temperature). It was night... I should've known something would be wrong then! Well, anyway, my uncle came and picked us up so we went to the baggage claim... Where upon my mom accidentally knocked me onto the conveyor baggage belt. Well, that was an interesting start! Obviously, I was very confused... Still am. Everyone here speaks tagalog, a language I should quite rightly understand, however, I don't. Soooo, after picking up our bags, we went outside. Whereupon I've seen the most colorfully decorated modes of transportation ever. And I really mean -ever-. Imagine a theme park ride with A LOT of colors and stuff and you're got the jeepny's here. They are actually -real- modes of transportation. I coudln't believe it! I was fascinated... Until I realized something... The way they drive. Oh... my... god... It makes new yorkers seem like safe and cautious drives. Well... I was about ready to pass out from the heat when suddenly my other uncle pulled up in a van with the hired help driving a truck behind them for my luggage. I basically ran into the van (with its AC Thank god) and thus I began my wonderful life in the Philippines. As we began driving I realized something else... There are no stop lights. People don't drive in their own lane, and people cross whenever they damn feel like it. Well... We went to my cousins house, I saw my grandpa... I almost cried. Everyone told me he really only remembers me... Even when his alzheimers is really bad. Ugh. Well, after that, we went to the hotel where I didn't fall asleep till like 5 in the morning.
Day 2 (Tuesday)
I saw my cousins at their house. (Which like... three families live in) I saw my cousins I've already met and met two more. Then we started unloading the presents for everyone. Again, I repeat... No air conditioning except for in the bedrooms. I was about dying. So, I went into the bedroom and started catchging up with my cousins. Francis, Claire, Marie, and Maan. It was great. But then, we started watching Kung Pow enter the fist and I fell asleep again. In the thankfully air conditioned bedroom.
When I woke up one of my cousin's friends was there. Johanna. She is absolutely AWESOME! We then traversed over to the metro east which is a supposedly small mall here yet makes ours look like friggin shacks in comparison. Where upon I bought a nightgown and it was soooooo cute. Then we all went to walk around and I found a karaoke booth where you can record your own cds. AHHAHAHAHAHAHA Johanna and I sang "Like a Virgin", "Build me up Buttercup" , and "I will Survive". It was greeeeeeaaaaaat. Then I stayed the night at my cousins' house. Whoooooooo! By the by, my cousin thinks James Hibbs and Austin Hutchinson is hot...
Of course... She's into Buffy The Vampire slayer. It's funny though.
Day 3 (Wednesday)
SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH MY EFFIN EFFIN EFFIN EFFIN DIOSAYHIODHAOISHDA
SHOP SHOP SHOP SHOP SHOP
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
....
You're just jealous...
...Cause I'm asian.
^-~
Well, we ate before there too... It wasn't very good. Gloria Maris or something. It was expensive... But IT WASN'T GOOD I TELL YOU! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
...
Day 4 ( Thursday)
Arcades are soooo cheap and awesome here. Soooo friggin awesome. DDR is considered old and so a few years ago here. But they have this other thing... You use your hands and stand there. It's kinda like conducting but a lot harder. They also have this virtuial samurai game. Also of greatness. We were going to head into a club above the coffee shop but... we decided not to.
I played this awesome shooting game where you have to actually squat down in order to hide and reload. OMFG GREATNESS!
Yes... I'm getting shorter in my details here.
Then... we videoked and my cousin and I scored 100! WWHOOOOOOOOOO
Day 5 (Friday)
Church and more arcading because supposedly none of the people go clubbing on Fridays.
Day 6 (Saturday)
OMFG! I love clubbing. With an almost unseemly passion. The lights... the drinking... The boys... It was so great. However, they're all gangster. But... also fun.
Day 7 (Sunday- Today)
I went shopping at the place near my hotel and then I went here with my cousins. That's about it.
Alright. Next.
Things I love about the Philippines
I get to spend so much time with my cousins. TThey're pretty cool. And my boy cousin, Francis, he's such a agentleman. He holds open doors, holds my stuff for me while shopping. He's 15.
Shopping - Like I said... Things are pretty cheap here and there's just so much variety.
Arcades- I now have an official love for these things. I'm loading cards left and right.
Clubbing- Greatest... thing... ever. However, it's not nearly as much fun to drink when you can.
Things I don't like about the Philippinesa
Like I said... I envy you people with your AC in every room, your water pressure.... Your safety.
The one bad experience I've had so far?
...
A homeless little girl came up to our car asking for money... I had food in my bag so I gave it to her and she ran off saying thank you. I can just remember her eyes.. The poverty here is so bad. It's unbelievable. There's next to no middle class. You're either really rich... or really poor. I don't understand how they can investy all their money in huge malls and not just make a massive homeless shelter... their priorities just aren't right...
There's a bit more than that. But that's all there is for now.
I really miss you guys. I'll bring stuff back but I just really miss you guys. I realized that more when I showed my cousins pictures. It's fun here and all... but it's not home. Three more weeks. Just three more weeks.
Bye guys. Take care. I hope you all are doing well.
Alright, I think I'm done for now.
/end
Oh yeah. Everyone, since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever be on AIM when you guys are just write me an e-mail. There's a netcafe near my hotel so I should be able to get back to you guys at least every week. If not more than that. However, I'll have noa ccess for the next few days. Whoo, I'm going to the mountains! PIctures. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2005|12:17 am] |
The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|04:45 pm] |
| [ | Sound that invades my mind |
| | Whiskey Lullaby | ] |
... And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...
Or even worse...
...Why I don't care.
...
Don't act like you're surprised.
You know I trust you.
...Or trusted.
Whatever.
Trite, common, typical comment.
... You're almost like him.
...So much like him.
Anyway... on a happier note.
Tomorrow's grad night.
Woo.
Fun.
I'm so excited.
On an even better note.
I'm cured.
/end |
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pleasureinsured's journal
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